PRISONERS OF FEAR (LOVE)



“There is no greater hell than to be a prisoner of fear” Ben Johnson

Me: what is your biggest fear?
Her: Love
Me: Love?
Her: To love and leave this world without the faintest idea of what it means to be loved back
Me:  why do you even think that?
Her: …
Me: …
Her: my heart is broken in ways I can’t even describe... all I have left are pieces, shards of me I hold onto dearly, too sharp for me to put back together on my own... I still live for the day someone will preserve them, will hold what is left of me and make me whole again. But deep down I fear that day will never come, I am broken in ways that will require a still-beating heart to restore… cause mine is long gone… But in this self absorbed world, I’m just a fool waiting…

“Too much darkness will destroy you but too much light will blind you... For now I prefer to find solace in the shade”  

  Prisoners To Fear

She had the purest of hearts, love that was showered on her when she was young…but as she grew up, the harsh realities of life closed in... The dark side of life which has to be experienced to be best understood. She went out to the world in search for happiness but was met with betrayal, hurt, loss… Experiences which drove her into a cage… one she dreams to get out of but one that is slowly becoming her home… Her “Solace”.

I have come to realize there are two sides to everything; the scary and the reassuring, the good and the bad, reality and illusion, strength and weakness… (you get my drift). But I have become so comfortable in my pain and I don’t know how to take a new step towards my alleviation. I am shackled to my pain and this cage I found myself in…I want to know what true love is but I don’t think my mental and emotional health can handle another disappointment. They say there is light at the end of the tunnel... I  know that... but how do you get there without missing a step cause that path is so dark? how do i find my way when i can't even find myself? so forgive me if I prefer to stay where I am familiar, find solace in my self-made cage and blind my eyes knowing that, the light at the end of the tunnel and my first step out of my ‘comfort zone' could be a journey towards something bigger.



How did I even get here? Filled with so much fear and pain... I do know no matter how much I try to shed myself, nothing can stop the inevitable… maybe I need to take a breath and take that leap of faith…give myself another chance but that dark cloud of doubt won’t let me… yet I also cannot keep on living this way; chained to my past and the fear of my future. I need to find a way to heal my broken soul and let sleep my dark angel… for myself.. Maybe all of this will make sense when I do. For it's in our darkest periods, the time we spend trying to find ourselves, that we see that little ray of light (hope) and sometimes that’s all we need… take that little light… run with it till you find the sun… and even though I have come to know myself during this dark time, fallen inlove with my sorrow... I know there will be a time For me, For you, For us… to let it go... Put our dark angels to rest.
 


 My pain and fear might not be understood by some… but that’s because we fail to look at the depth... we see just the surface of what deception, pain, heart break etc can do to a person. You are broken and your time feels wasted and in this life, time is the only real luxury. I have let myself be consumed by fear… drowned  in loneliness... for I know with any wrong movement of my heart… I could lose myself completely. “Another one bites the dust”

We often lose ourselves because this life of sin, has made us into Icons of self indulgence...  so self absorbed in our own feelings, selfishly satisfying our own desires that we end up hurting others in the process. I have learnt, the heart could be a really tricky place… we could have the world and it would still not be good enough... Let’s just say we human beings have a dark hunger for more…Even if “more”is at the expense of someone else… And when we have been deeply hurt, lost in our brokenness and our demons seem to have won, then maybe it is time to start all over... A new beginning, one which makes you unapologetically happy for putting you first…But I know the fear of taking that first step often holds us back

“What if it’s not real?”, “Am I good enough?” “What if I never find love?” “Is he just playing me?” … these are questions that flood my mind every time I want to give myself another chance at love... hoping for once in my life I can get a glimpse of what it is to be loved intimately. You see, when you search for something so strong, you forget whatever you had before; love from your parents, friendship etc. the deep hunger to find that love we see in movies can mess with a girls mind. Anyways it did to mine... but am I wrong for wanting a love so strong? Is love not the strongest of them all; the Ultimate emotion. Yeah, I know no relationship is perfect but love overshadows any imperfection. That’s all I wanted, to love and be loved. But in this selfish world where we love too deeply… to the point of being used up of all emotions, drained of everything we have to give… Our biggest wish becomes our biggest fear; the fear of living a Lonely life… And because of past experiences, we crawl into our skin, keep ourselves captive, our minds become shackled and all our childhood fantasies... you know the whole princess and prince fairytale well let’s just say the evil villain won in real life.

 “You have to love yourself”, “when you love yourself you won’t take shit from anybody.” But we fail to understand that people have become masters in pretense and playing that you don’t recognize how bad they are for you until later… and sometimes you find out when you are way deep in... You can’t get out without cutting yourself... all the self healing does not guarantee you won’t be hurt again. You might say I have learnt my lesson… but learning a lesson does not stop what comes next but it prepares you for what comes.

No relationship is perfect, but I think those who are in solid ones or who have found love didn't get there because they loved themselves to the max. It’s a combination of luck, faith, chance, time and God.

Will I muster the strength to start afresh? Will I ever find the love I so crave for? Will I meet the One? I wish I had the answers… but all I can pray for is… when I decide to put my fear to rest, I hope they do right by me.

“There are dreams that cannot be, there are some storms that we cannot weather” les Miserables





Comments

  1. Nice piece...i love how every emotion is felt by the reader(me).kudos hun 👏

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