Last Breath
"These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there’s just too much that time cannot erase… I have tried so hard to tell myself you are gone, but though you are still with me, I have been alone all along" “My immortal” by evanescence
MY BEAUTIFUL PAIN
“I looked at her beautiful face... She smiled, never saying anything and with not even a whisper, not even a word, she was gone” I live to see her face at night… I anticipate; I get to see her smile at me once again. The nightmare I love to have… her face haunts my once pleasant dreams and her voice in my head has chased away all the sanity in me” My beautiful Nightmare.
She left me… My mother was gone, she was supposed to be my immortal, she was too perfect, how do I stop feeling this pain, where do I go from here. I’m only a teenage girl in a world of temptations, how do I take care of myself…having never experienced this in my life, I was lost and till today I am still lost.
At 16, I’m just a teen girl without a mother; angry at God, angry at my family and worst of all angry at myself... Why didn’t I tell her ‘I love you everyday’ when she deserved to hear it every second, I don’t get to buy her a cool car, my children won’t meet her. She won’t be at my graduation and worse of all when I get to say “I do” I don’t get to tell her about my university love. What do I do now? Yes I do have a family, brothers and sisters whom I love and who love me so much. But no one can replace my mummy. I am quiet with others but with my mummy I am a talkative, I gist her everything. I remember when she let me dye my hair gold cause she wanted me to look bomb at a night party. That’s just me and my mother. So without her, I crawl back, deeper into my shell. I die slowly with the pain numbing me inside... I become just another lonely child in this life.
Being a girl who rarely wears her emotions on her sleeves, I hurt deep… But they think I’m taking it well… remember “the quiet ones deal with deeper demons”... I watch everyone cry, express their pain.. but each time tears rolled down my eyes and I touched her body I was reminded “ daddy will feel bad if he sees u” so I go back to being a wreck inside and not let the world know how much I am hurting. But I was her Benjamin, her hand bag, I watched this woman go through things I could not understand at a young age. She gave her sweat, blood and power to satisfy her family. “They say you don’t know what you have till it’s gone”… God took away our gold, our angel. Where do we go from here? How do we put roses on a grave with regrets when we could give her and brighten her day with gratitude? I watched her being buried… Each ground thrown on her coffin tears my heart into pieces... That’s my mummy, she is gone. With the dust rising up and not being able to contain my emotions that I kept bottled, reality hits me and I can’t hold the tears back any longer so I break down. The more they cover her coffin, the more I crashed, knowing my life will be a living hell battling the pain. That was my mummy, no love in our human race can compare to a mother’s love for her children. How do I cope? She left me when I was about to write my O level, she asked for her grades but did not stick around to get it. I had no zeal to study, I mean… What was the point? But God sent my classmate to remind me… She still lives; we are closer than ever… I might not see her but her love was so great that you could feel it without her presence. This is where I can testify sometimes God picks us up in our weakest moments and helps us reach the finish line.
Never the less, I was still hurting and believe me when I say I was a lost teenager, but I knew how to rein myself in... I never let myself use it as an excuse to go rogue. I mean my dad, brothers and sisters made sure I was fine at all times, so what excuse did I have… but her death affected me mentally, spiritually,emotionally and got to my education. I was failing the first year in high school; I used every excuse to get out of school, I never gave a damn about my grades. But with time I was able to put my cracks together, piece by piece… I found beauty in my pain and power to make myself ‘whole’ again.
Now being a girl who shuts down easily, who prefers to fake emotions and deal with the real shit inside. Being a lost girl who never knew how to open up or ask questions, I find myself in university… Believe me when I say, that milieu is a tempting one. A society that will make you defile whatever morality you had held on to. Being a young girl who had to keep boys away from my back since class 4, I knew I had it all covered. But little did I know there are other things involved when it came to the other sex. I thought I knew it all... but there are things only a mother can explain. How do I take care of myself, personal hygiene, what do I know about sex, how do I cope in this society. I had to learn the hard way. What if my mother was here? Would it have been easier for me? I would have been prepped I guess.. But like I say, lessons from mistakes stick better. I’m trying my best to make her proud, but in this life of sin, how perfect can we be?
It still hurts, sometimes I feel like I have amnesia... Seven yrs down and you wonder how u could cope without this person, but you realize that life goes on and God becomes that wall that you can lean on... He plays the role and you realize that you can still make the journey.. You could take that pain and use it as your motivation… will you ever get over the pain of losing a love one? Hell no! You don’t get over it, but you learn to move on with life; to live without this person. Life is not meant for the weak. This is a journey that will come with its ups and downs. But we are stronger than the constraints that life sends our ways. I have lost my mother… yes… But do I stop living? No! I will chase my dreams and I won’t stop until I see her name on a ‘Building’. Loosing a loved one makes you cherish life; because I have felt sadness, I cherish happiness and because I have lost a mother I thank God for giving me 16 yrs to be with an angel.
Despite being my mother, she was a human being with a God given purpose and like all human beings, our aim is to fulfill this purpose. And when we have walked our various paths and reached our final destination, there is no need to walk back. Your destination could be to make your neighbor happy, bring some joy to your family. I have lost friends, classmates, relatives and when you reflect on their life. You see their pattern. One always made you laugh, one made you feel loved, another gave you hope etc and you see their purpose. This makes you realize that there are two important days in our lives; the day we were born and the day we know why we were born and that’s your death.
Dealing with the loss of a loved one, be it family or friend is a process… Not an easy one but one you will have to go through all your life, if I’m being honest. Well here are some few things I have learnt from mine and other peoples’ experience on how to deal with death:
Accepting that everyone dies
Life is not a fairytale honey, there is no happy ending. Just one sad, but fulfilling ending. When we accept that we are all going to die some day, it takes away some of the ‘shock’ when you loose someone.
Different people,Different ways of grieving
You will try to measure up your level of grief, compare with others... Am I overreacting? Am I wailing too loud? Am I showing enough emotions? Does grieving have an expiry date? Is it okay to still cry myself into sleep? We are not the same and everyone grieves different. This is your personal path and a deep emotional journey, so do whatever you need to do or feel like doing to heal.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable
You can only be that strong for too long… allow yourself to be weak, to feel helpless, to let the world know you are hurting. “Don’t let daddy see you cry” “be strong for your family” “stop crying, it will get better”. Those were words from relatives, friends. I’m very good at hiding emotions, so no need to tell me to pretend. I’m going to act like I am being strong and hide my vulnerability cause God forbid I cause them more pain, more anxiety, more worry right? Believe me when I say doing that will let you crash so hard. Cause you don’t give anybody a chance to be there for you and that will only grow into an emotional breakdown. When you are vulnerable, you allow others to open up and be vulnerable with you and that takes away a whole lot of pain. We are there for each other… You lean on me and I lean on you. Shut yourself out and you will be lonely in your grief and that only makes matter worse. Anyone who tells you to ‘stop crying’ or’ be strong for your family’… Well a ‘fuck you’ will sufficiently do and you walk away.
Talk it out
No one wants to feel like a burden to other people especially with our emotional issues. You believe people won’t understand or they would be bored. You need someone to vent; to pour it all out, talk about your pain but nope I preferred to lock my door and cry myself into a headache night after night. The people you call friends... what are they for? This is when you need them most, a listening ear so open up to them. Whatever it is you are going through, there are people who have your back so don’t think you are all alone.
It is okay to feel fucked up
Okay so he/she is dead… does life go back to normal? 1,2,3,4 yrs later you still feel that heart wrenching pain like they just died yesterday. So let me tell you… Death is not meant for you to experience and go back to normal. It is supposed to change your life, make you aware, put things into perspective, get your priorities right and until you realize that, that’s when you can get back on the horse. To me, it fucked up my love life; I am scared to death to fall in love because I don’t want to lose again. This is the hardest thing you will go through so you are allowed to be fucked up. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Be unapologetic for your pain cause believe me, whatever shit life throws to you after cannot be compared to the pain of losing a loved one.
Do what you love or makes you happy Alcohol became my best friend in my later years, that numb feeling that liquor puts you in…a temporary feeling but hey… I will take what I can get. Booze or drugs would only make things worse. Don’t drown yourself in grief that you forget the world is filled with beautiful and inspiring things. Find your groove, what puts you in a good mood. Is it teaching, reading, dancing, travelling etc. try out different things to know what you love. Write down your dreams and go ahead to achieve them.
Celebrate your love ones’ life
Don’t let yourself drown in sorrow that you forget the beautiful memories you both made. Remember when she danced? What about the time she cracked that joke? The way she used to sing? How y’all gisted? Or when she lights up when you came back from school? Don’t overlook anything, even if you got to spend just a day with that person, don’t overlook that. Just cherish whatever memories that were made, continue their legacies and be grateful to have experienced life with them even if it was just for a ‘second’.
Give yourself time to heal
There is no set time for you to heal; go easy on yourself, so what if it takes years? Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Give it time, time heals.
We are not supposed to be perfect; if we were, then I don’t see the point living. Our pain, past, struggles build our character. This is when we are supposed to live with purpose. Your truth makes you unique. Your decision to heal and how to heal is up to you. When you do, embrace your new found strength to go after your dreams in a positive way. I pray you find “beauty in your pain”
NB: This was not an easy piece for me to write due to the strong emotions I tie to this part of me. So I hope you can relate or learn how to cope with Loss.
This is dedicated to my mother; Mary Ninjo Ngufor and all faithfully departed souls.
MY BEAUTIFUL PAIN
“I looked at her beautiful face... She smiled, never saying anything and with not even a whisper, not even a word, she was gone” I live to see her face at night… I anticipate; I get to see her smile at me once again. The nightmare I love to have… her face haunts my once pleasant dreams and her voice in my head has chased away all the sanity in me” My beautiful Nightmare.
She left me… My mother was gone, she was supposed to be my immortal, she was too perfect, how do I stop feeling this pain, where do I go from here. I’m only a teenage girl in a world of temptations, how do I take care of myself…having never experienced this in my life, I was lost and till today I am still lost.
At 16, I’m just a teen girl without a mother; angry at God, angry at my family and worst of all angry at myself... Why didn’t I tell her ‘I love you everyday’ when she deserved to hear it every second, I don’t get to buy her a cool car, my children won’t meet her. She won’t be at my graduation and worse of all when I get to say “I do” I don’t get to tell her about my university love. What do I do now? Yes I do have a family, brothers and sisters whom I love and who love me so much. But no one can replace my mummy. I am quiet with others but with my mummy I am a talkative, I gist her everything. I remember when she let me dye my hair gold cause she wanted me to look bomb at a night party. That’s just me and my mother. So without her, I crawl back, deeper into my shell. I die slowly with the pain numbing me inside... I become just another lonely child in this life.
Being a girl who rarely wears her emotions on her sleeves, I hurt deep… But they think I’m taking it well… remember “the quiet ones deal with deeper demons”... I watch everyone cry, express their pain.. but each time tears rolled down my eyes and I touched her body I was reminded “ daddy will feel bad if he sees u” so I go back to being a wreck inside and not let the world know how much I am hurting. But I was her Benjamin, her hand bag, I watched this woman go through things I could not understand at a young age. She gave her sweat, blood and power to satisfy her family. “They say you don’t know what you have till it’s gone”… God took away our gold, our angel. Where do we go from here? How do we put roses on a grave with regrets when we could give her and brighten her day with gratitude? I watched her being buried… Each ground thrown on her coffin tears my heart into pieces... That’s my mummy, she is gone. With the dust rising up and not being able to contain my emotions that I kept bottled, reality hits me and I can’t hold the tears back any longer so I break down. The more they cover her coffin, the more I crashed, knowing my life will be a living hell battling the pain. That was my mummy, no love in our human race can compare to a mother’s love for her children. How do I cope? She left me when I was about to write my O level, she asked for her grades but did not stick around to get it. I had no zeal to study, I mean… What was the point? But God sent my classmate to remind me… She still lives; we are closer than ever… I might not see her but her love was so great that you could feel it without her presence. This is where I can testify sometimes God picks us up in our weakest moments and helps us reach the finish line.
Never the less, I was still hurting and believe me when I say I was a lost teenager, but I knew how to rein myself in... I never let myself use it as an excuse to go rogue. I mean my dad, brothers and sisters made sure I was fine at all times, so what excuse did I have… but her death affected me mentally, spiritually,emotionally and got to my education. I was failing the first year in high school; I used every excuse to get out of school, I never gave a damn about my grades. But with time I was able to put my cracks together, piece by piece… I found beauty in my pain and power to make myself ‘whole’ again.
Now being a girl who shuts down easily, who prefers to fake emotions and deal with the real shit inside. Being a lost girl who never knew how to open up or ask questions, I find myself in university… Believe me when I say, that milieu is a tempting one. A society that will make you defile whatever morality you had held on to. Being a young girl who had to keep boys away from my back since class 4, I knew I had it all covered. But little did I know there are other things involved when it came to the other sex. I thought I knew it all... but there are things only a mother can explain. How do I take care of myself, personal hygiene, what do I know about sex, how do I cope in this society. I had to learn the hard way. What if my mother was here? Would it have been easier for me? I would have been prepped I guess.. But like I say, lessons from mistakes stick better. I’m trying my best to make her proud, but in this life of sin, how perfect can we be?
It still hurts, sometimes I feel like I have amnesia... Seven yrs down and you wonder how u could cope without this person, but you realize that life goes on and God becomes that wall that you can lean on... He plays the role and you realize that you can still make the journey.. You could take that pain and use it as your motivation… will you ever get over the pain of losing a love one? Hell no! You don’t get over it, but you learn to move on with life; to live without this person. Life is not meant for the weak. This is a journey that will come with its ups and downs. But we are stronger than the constraints that life sends our ways. I have lost my mother… yes… But do I stop living? No! I will chase my dreams and I won’t stop until I see her name on a ‘Building’. Loosing a loved one makes you cherish life; because I have felt sadness, I cherish happiness and because I have lost a mother I thank God for giving me 16 yrs to be with an angel.
Despite being my mother, she was a human being with a God given purpose and like all human beings, our aim is to fulfill this purpose. And when we have walked our various paths and reached our final destination, there is no need to walk back. Your destination could be to make your neighbor happy, bring some joy to your family. I have lost friends, classmates, relatives and when you reflect on their life. You see their pattern. One always made you laugh, one made you feel loved, another gave you hope etc and you see their purpose. This makes you realize that there are two important days in our lives; the day we were born and the day we know why we were born and that’s your death.
Dealing with the loss of a loved one, be it family or friend is a process… Not an easy one but one you will have to go through all your life, if I’m being honest. Well here are some few things I have learnt from mine and other peoples’ experience on how to deal with death:
Accepting that everyone dies
Life is not a fairytale honey, there is no happy ending. Just one sad, but fulfilling ending. When we accept that we are all going to die some day, it takes away some of the ‘shock’ when you loose someone.
Different people,Different ways of grieving
You will try to measure up your level of grief, compare with others... Am I overreacting? Am I wailing too loud? Am I showing enough emotions? Does grieving have an expiry date? Is it okay to still cry myself into sleep? We are not the same and everyone grieves different. This is your personal path and a deep emotional journey, so do whatever you need to do or feel like doing to heal.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable
You can only be that strong for too long… allow yourself to be weak, to feel helpless, to let the world know you are hurting. “Don’t let daddy see you cry” “be strong for your family” “stop crying, it will get better”. Those were words from relatives, friends. I’m very good at hiding emotions, so no need to tell me to pretend. I’m going to act like I am being strong and hide my vulnerability cause God forbid I cause them more pain, more anxiety, more worry right? Believe me when I say doing that will let you crash so hard. Cause you don’t give anybody a chance to be there for you and that will only grow into an emotional breakdown. When you are vulnerable, you allow others to open up and be vulnerable with you and that takes away a whole lot of pain. We are there for each other… You lean on me and I lean on you. Shut yourself out and you will be lonely in your grief and that only makes matter worse. Anyone who tells you to ‘stop crying’ or’ be strong for your family’… Well a ‘fuck you’ will sufficiently do and you walk away.
Talk it out
No one wants to feel like a burden to other people especially with our emotional issues. You believe people won’t understand or they would be bored. You need someone to vent; to pour it all out, talk about your pain but nope I preferred to lock my door and cry myself into a headache night after night. The people you call friends... what are they for? This is when you need them most, a listening ear so open up to them. Whatever it is you are going through, there are people who have your back so don’t think you are all alone.
It is okay to feel fucked up
Okay so he/she is dead… does life go back to normal? 1,2,3,4 yrs later you still feel that heart wrenching pain like they just died yesterday. So let me tell you… Death is not meant for you to experience and go back to normal. It is supposed to change your life, make you aware, put things into perspective, get your priorities right and until you realize that, that’s when you can get back on the horse. To me, it fucked up my love life; I am scared to death to fall in love because I don’t want to lose again. This is the hardest thing you will go through so you are allowed to be fucked up. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Be unapologetic for your pain cause believe me, whatever shit life throws to you after cannot be compared to the pain of losing a loved one.
Do what you love or makes you happy Alcohol became my best friend in my later years, that numb feeling that liquor puts you in…a temporary feeling but hey… I will take what I can get. Booze or drugs would only make things worse. Don’t drown yourself in grief that you forget the world is filled with beautiful and inspiring things. Find your groove, what puts you in a good mood. Is it teaching, reading, dancing, travelling etc. try out different things to know what you love. Write down your dreams and go ahead to achieve them.
Celebrate your love ones’ life
Don’t let yourself drown in sorrow that you forget the beautiful memories you both made. Remember when she danced? What about the time she cracked that joke? The way she used to sing? How y’all gisted? Or when she lights up when you came back from school? Don’t overlook anything, even if you got to spend just a day with that person, don’t overlook that. Just cherish whatever memories that were made, continue their legacies and be grateful to have experienced life with them even if it was just for a ‘second’.
Give yourself time to heal
There is no set time for you to heal; go easy on yourself, so what if it takes years? Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Give it time, time heals.
We are not supposed to be perfect; if we were, then I don’t see the point living. Our pain, past, struggles build our character. This is when we are supposed to live with purpose. Your truth makes you unique. Your decision to heal and how to heal is up to you. When you do, embrace your new found strength to go after your dreams in a positive way. I pray you find “beauty in your pain”
NB: This was not an easy piece for me to write due to the strong emotions I tie to this part of me. So I hope you can relate or learn how to cope with Loss.
This is dedicated to my mother; Mary Ninjo Ngufor and all faithfully departed souls.
The intro has tears rolling down ur eye. The end has a healing effect Easy to digest. Thank u for this beautiful piece. Manky manks
ReplyDeleteMuno,I cannot even begin to understand your pain. But you so clearly gave me a glimpse for the first time, what it really feels like to be you (and I have known you most of my life... I must be a great friend huh? Lol) and how loss can affect even the most obscure areas of our lives. I learned something through this, and hope that your pain may transform lives for the better and your life may flourish and reflect the beauty that is your truth. God bless you. xo
ReplyDeleteHi Nita, I've been waiting eagerly for ur next post. This one hits home. Like I can relate to ur pain n grieve but the difference is I lost my dad. The truth is the pain never goes away but just like u said we all have to be strong. I lost my dad 7 years agof but wen I think of him the pain is fresh as though it happened a few minutes ago. It's always hard to write this kind of piece n I admire ur courage. We r each others strength. Every thx u have written is so true n it's hard to talk or write about it likeu said but we just have to pretend like all is well n move on. Just reading has brought tears to my eyes n it's really sad. I lost my sis n I regret not being there for her in her time of distress cuz I was too scared to go close n loose her. In the end it happened n I still felt wat I was running from. But with regrets of not letting her know how much I love her. We always wish things wen diff wen they have happened n we can't change the situation. Grieving in silence n moving on seems to be the only solution. Talking helps but sometimes it just isn't enough. Wat we can do is mk them proud of us. The Lord who took them into his blossom gave us strength to ensure. He will always be our guide n see us through. Thanks for sharing ur story. Stay blessed
ReplyDeleteMuno 😭😭😭 I am crying at how relatable & beautiful this piece is. Your writing makes way for its readers to have a first seat at your emotions, at your pain, like we were at a movie theater. You're so strong. Thank you for speaking for those of us who hide behind the "fake emotions". Keep writing mama, we dey ya back. I wish I could hug you, yo.
ReplyDeleteNitaaaa...as someone who was there when you went and as you are going through this, it gives personal perspective to what you have been dealing wth. I may not understand what it is to lose a parent. I can understand what it is to lose someone you hoped will be around forever or for very long. Its hard to accept that we or the people we love are mere mortals. This posts definitely shows we all need help to deal with the pain of death. It shows we are not alone in our feelings and this is not just for us who know you and have gone through this but for the random person dealing with this who will stumble on this blog post and feel less alone. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
ReplyDelete:-(
ReplyDeleteSo I'm really touched by this piece. I may not know the pain to loose a parent but I sure do know the pain of loosing a loved one...I feel related to this post...I'm that person who doesn't put my hurt out there but shove it in and die slowly...deal with the pain alone and cry when no one sees me. Thank you for this piece...I learnt a lot from it and I hope many other people suffering from some sort of depression stumble on this and learn from it. One important lesson I learnt from this is "you're not alone"!! There's someone out there going through whatever you're going through. I literally cried reading this...I appreciate this and kudos. ��
ReplyDeleteOmg where do I start.A good writer is one who writes about a bad experience and the reader ends up wishing they had gone through the same thing in order to be right in the middle of the writers mind.you achieved that with this piece and a whole lot.who am I kidding,you know you are great. I remember saying when you came back to school"Muno nodi cry ya,e really strong" ,off course I did not understand you were bottling up the hurt.You have given us the chance to get a drift what you were feeling,I can't say I understand cuz I don't but now I know or I feel like I know Muno Ngufor a little more. "She is in a better place" you hear all the time but I really believe she is.Back to this beautiful writing,the tears we had in the beginning was wiped away with the soothing tone of the end.I walk away with some quotes too.Nice work
ReplyDelete