DARK SIDE OF THE EMOTIONAL GAME
THE HATEFUL REFLECTION I LOVE SO MUCH..
It's like I'm 8yrs old again and my cousin Pamela invites a friend of hers to our house.. I open the gate..immediately her friend sets eyes on me she goes 'hmm Pamela, when this kid grows up, girls would crawl at his feet' and she laughed. I'm not going to lie you, that felt good ...fast forward.. Now I am 11yrs old and I begin to understand the society we live in.. The most Poignant truth about society is " the bad will thrive" . I had so much proof just around me to ascertain that truth, and when I say enough proof, I mean right in front of my nose. Growing up, i realized the good ones are forgotten and irrelevant. No I ain't about be irrelevant... I will never be irrelevant. Well, they say be careful what you wish for, don't they? No doubt the universe heard me and answered my prayers, all the tools needed to thrive in this society of ours, I developed them... Make no mistakes, I am talking about the tools needed to thrive in an evil society. Where bad is prioritised over good. So now I'm in my teenage years(oh my sweet teenage years), I'm a pretty fellow(yeah I said it.. This story won't make any sense if I wasn't pretty, would it?) I have developed a Morgan Freeman tongue(he is the greatest smooth talker in the history of mankind), and i am set to enjoy the world in my own small way. I know most of you were in the same situation.. Some chose to be good, while the rest of us... Well let me say we took the 'exciting' path; the cool path.. The 'hot' path.. I'd be a very big hypocrite to tell anybody I don't enjoy the 'benefits' of the path I and a lot of guys around me took. That would be some kind of 'mindfuck'
I don't blame anything or anybody for the choices i made, which definitely affect me till date. So if i chose to be 'bad', it's cause i loved it! Yeah, the thrill is amazing.. The feel you get when you taste popularity. When you feel you can do what ever the hell you want and you won't give a flying fuck. That feeling of accomplishment when you realize you are a catch and you have the power to affect a lot of people emotionally(simply put, i could ask out who i wanted and be almost certain of acceptance..(yeah i know, cocky motherfucker). If you experienced this in your teenage years then you know that feeling i'm talking about. Now, something spectacular happens you(I actually, since this is kind of my story) realize that you are some kind of hybrid.. You are the 'cool guy' but at the same time you are the 'nice guy'.. So now on the 'field' you are versatile. Let me play that out for you, "oh bb you want a bad guy, i'm your bad guy.. You want a nice guy, i can be a nice guy too" so i now guess, i have power now. I swear by the name of anything holy you believe in, that the moment you come to realizing that.. It feels divine. It's not so much about valuing your emotional and social life more than anything and letting it control all other aspects of your life, but facing facts, if that part of your life is lit(on fire), all the rest are directly affected.. When i say directly, I mean, whatever perception you had about yourself must change either positively or negatively. Remember when you became a "cool guy"? "Hot chick"?.. Your attitude towards the other aspects of your life like your education, spiritual life changed. Most likely negatively. That sudden ego that surges into your heart and soul, that sudden 'put some respek on ma name' feel.. But then , you ask yourself, "all this, then what?.. Is this all i am? .. Would this be my legacy?...you are growing up and a lot of questions go through your mind.. " am i worth all this fuss?", is it normal to be a source of damage to peoples' emotions every time?( i hope you did not think choosing the cool path in anyway means something good)
So, now i'm an adult.. This 'player' thing has been part of me for a very long time you become aware of how large a piece of shit you are. The thought of that begins to terrify you.. 'Do i have a problem?' This cannot be normal, what is wrong with me?" Another easy answer.. 'Fuck it, i'm just tripping" so you hop right back on your rollercoaster like nothing happened.. Guess what, those questions you keep asking yourself are wounding your soul and spirit but you can't see it or rather you refuse to see it just yet. . You need an eye opener(and I assure you, it will come) I'll get back to this in a bit. Now, understand that emotionally nowadays or back in the day there were 2 types of emotional beings.
1) The guy who will walk up to a girl and say " I just want us to have sex and have fun with each other, nothing serious"
2) The nice guy who will show and give you the world and he wants everything except letting you depart from his emotional spectrum. Good news(to us) which was bad news(to those concerned) was, as the years passed, more people found ways of merging number 1 and 2... Now creating the ' I really want to be with you but I'm not sure that will work out given that we can never be too sure of these things, but let's just try and see how it goes type. The best and worst type. Now, being number 1, you are an asshole for saying such to a woman but at least you are very honest with what you want. Being number 2, you are a nice guy(probably be trampled on a lot, but kudos.. The world is a better place with guys like you.. Boring though.
The problem now is being a number 3.. Cause these are the irresistible ones.. "my bad good guy"..interesting..this kind of guy brings out all the emotions in you and this is the kind of guy you would trade even heaven for, in most cases even if he treats you like shit.. I know y'all can relate.. Because of the state of mind and emotions that number 3 puts you in, it is but normal that the most numerous counts of heartbreaks can be traced to this kind of guys. So if you are a number 3, you are the problem. Yeah, never look at number 1 and feel better, you are the scum of the earth..Oh, I am number 3 as you might have guessed by now.
Coming back to your inner thoughts, your 'self-doubting' wounds your spirit. All the heartbreaks you have caused haunt you(oh yes they do.. You know they fucking do, don't deny it), the society around you is becoming boring and you don't find anything exciting anymore; your 'bad popularity' is beginning to backfire on you, you have very recent proof of how unfit you are for love.. You begin to internalize all the guilt.. You begin to hate society cause you have been on the damaging side and you know nothing is worth it anymore.. Eventually you hate yourself and anxiety kicks in.. Next thing you know, you are in depression, worst of all because of your life choices. Do I hate my life? Do I regret all my social and emotional choices? I feel so alone but how is that possible, being some kind of Leonardo dicaprio...am I loosing my mind? Who can understand that my mind is going through all this? Where are all the people who flocked around you because you were popular?(they gone bruh, your brain whispers).. Is this really how it's going to be? Is there anyway I can atone? I am so sad..now, I don't mean every "player" experiences this.. The "weak & shallow"won't see this. But I am talking about the 'player elite '.. Those who will play you and your open eyes won't still see a damn thing.. Those you will almost gladly tell your friend about and be like 'gurl, I know he playing me but for real I don't care..there is just something about him( yup that's the devil), like he has chained my soul..anyways I love and I am staying with him', they experience this because in order to be a 'player elite', you need to have a deep soul and with a deep soul comes deep thoughts and with deep troubling thoughts comes a bleeding heart.
But will I change and become a better person? Will I atone for my sins? But I have been king for so long, who are you people to turn my thoughts against me? Would i run away from trouble, whether I caused it or not? You won't run away from me even if I begged you to and knelt down telling you how much you don't need me in your life. I'm so sad, but quite honestly, my soul is my soul, you can't see it bleeding so you will never understand what I go through, why should I try to show you? Not like I am going to change! I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT... I am damaged by my own doing but well, my eyes are open and whatever life has for me, let me face it head-on.... Yeah, this is not a reflection on life.. This is MY reflection on the reality of "Emotional life" so don't get confused.
It's like I'm 8yrs old again and my cousin Pamela invites a friend of hers to our house.. I open the gate..immediately her friend sets eyes on me she goes 'hmm Pamela, when this kid grows up, girls would crawl at his feet' and she laughed. I'm not going to lie you, that felt good ...fast forward.. Now I am 11yrs old and I begin to understand the society we live in.. The most Poignant truth about society is " the bad will thrive" . I had so much proof just around me to ascertain that truth, and when I say enough proof, I mean right in front of my nose. Growing up, i realized the good ones are forgotten and irrelevant. No I ain't about be irrelevant... I will never be irrelevant. Well, they say be careful what you wish for, don't they? No doubt the universe heard me and answered my prayers, all the tools needed to thrive in this society of ours, I developed them... Make no mistakes, I am talking about the tools needed to thrive in an evil society. Where bad is prioritised over good. So now I'm in my teenage years(oh my sweet teenage years), I'm a pretty fellow(yeah I said it.. This story won't make any sense if I wasn't pretty, would it?) I have developed a Morgan Freeman tongue(he is the greatest smooth talker in the history of mankind), and i am set to enjoy the world in my own small way. I know most of you were in the same situation.. Some chose to be good, while the rest of us... Well let me say we took the 'exciting' path; the cool path.. The 'hot' path.. I'd be a very big hypocrite to tell anybody I don't enjoy the 'benefits' of the path I and a lot of guys around me took. That would be some kind of 'mindfuck'
1) The guy who will walk up to a girl and say " I just want us to have sex and have fun with each other, nothing serious"
2) The nice guy who will show and give you the world and he wants everything except letting you depart from his emotional spectrum. Good news(to us) which was bad news(to those concerned) was, as the years passed, more people found ways of merging number 1 and 2... Now creating the ' I really want to be with you but I'm not sure that will work out given that we can never be too sure of these things, but let's just try and see how it goes type. The best and worst type. Now, being number 1, you are an asshole for saying such to a woman but at least you are very honest with what you want. Being number 2, you are a nice guy(probably be trampled on a lot, but kudos.. The world is a better place with guys like you.. Boring though.
The problem now is being a number 3.. Cause these are the irresistible ones.. "my bad good guy"..interesting..this kind of guy brings out all the emotions in you and this is the kind of guy you would trade even heaven for, in most cases even if he treats you like shit.. I know y'all can relate.. Because of the state of mind and emotions that number 3 puts you in, it is but normal that the most numerous counts of heartbreaks can be traced to this kind of guys. So if you are a number 3, you are the problem. Yeah, never look at number 1 and feel better, you are the scum of the earth..Oh, I am number 3 as you might have guessed by now.
Coming back to your inner thoughts, your 'self-doubting' wounds your spirit. All the heartbreaks you have caused haunt you(oh yes they do.. You know they fucking do, don't deny it), the society around you is becoming boring and you don't find anything exciting anymore; your 'bad popularity' is beginning to backfire on you, you have very recent proof of how unfit you are for love.. You begin to internalize all the guilt.. You begin to hate society cause you have been on the damaging side and you know nothing is worth it anymore.. Eventually you hate yourself and anxiety kicks in.. Next thing you know, you are in depression, worst of all because of your life choices. Do I hate my life? Do I regret all my social and emotional choices? I feel so alone but how is that possible, being some kind of Leonardo dicaprio...am I loosing my mind? Who can understand that my mind is going through all this? Where are all the people who flocked around you because you were popular?(they gone bruh, your brain whispers).. Is this really how it's going to be? Is there anyway I can atone? I am so sad..now, I don't mean every "player" experiences this.. The "weak & shallow"won't see this. But I am talking about the 'player elite '.. Those who will play you and your open eyes won't still see a damn thing.. Those you will almost gladly tell your friend about and be like 'gurl, I know he playing me but for real I don't care..there is just something about him( yup that's the devil), like he has chained my soul..anyways I love and I am staying with him', they experience this because in order to be a 'player elite', you need to have a deep soul and with a deep soul comes deep thoughts and with deep troubling thoughts comes a bleeding heart.
But will I change and become a better person? Will I atone for my sins? But I have been king for so long, who are you people to turn my thoughts against me? Would i run away from trouble, whether I caused it or not? You won't run away from me even if I begged you to and knelt down telling you how much you don't need me in your life. I'm so sad, but quite honestly, my soul is my soul, you can't see it bleeding so you will never understand what I go through, why should I try to show you? Not like I am going to change! I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT... I am damaged by my own doing but well, my eyes are open and whatever life has for me, let me face it head-on.... Yeah, this is not a reflection on life.. This is MY reflection on the reality of "Emotional life" so don't get confused.
Very inspiring and soul touching
ReplyDeleteSounds very "Batuo-esque". Unique and interesting perspective that is for sure. And for all the depth of the writer, we are still on the shallow side of the water. Keep digging. Clarity just might stop evading you.
ReplyDelete