Self love
I am darkness and I am shame, just as I am proud, as much a rose as I am a thorn- a black rose, but a Rose nonetheless” Sarah Doughty
A Self Love Journey
‘The lesson that must be experienced to be learned’
I wouldn’t be who I am today without it…all of it…the horrific and the beautiful. I am ME, the sum of all I have experienced… this is not a pity party so don’t get it twisted
I hated myself
We are all born different… I know I was...your ordinary girl? No I was not; I was a little chubby (who am I kidding, I was called fat), I had an ‘okay’ body, not your usual cheerful kid; I loved to be alone, snobbish, hated bright colors…let’s just say I was weird and not what society considered as ‘normal’. Though you can say I was beautiful… but what is beauty if you feel insecure inside? My peers were all cheerful; they could socialize with people, always bright and at the fore front of everything… But I always hid at the back of class, at the back of the line, locked up in a room; I never wanted to be seen, or talk to others…Some said ‘she is an introvert’ but it ran deeper than that.., I hated myself. However I was not born like this; as I grew up, my self-loathing thoughts grew with me...my hopes were always low, I apologized for every little thing; even things that were outside my control, I used tough love on myself to get me going.. I mean I never saw myself as deserving and my final straw of self hate was when I became envious of others; trying to measure up to others who I believed were better than me in all ways; more intelligent, prettier, outspoken, more feminine, approachable.. That list is so long but I know you catch my drift… jealousy ate at me; a dark feeling that consumed my insides with spite, longing... Poison that crept though my veins filling me with a dark hunger that made me question, “am I good enough” ... this made me hate myself more, and the desire to want what others had made me despise people more.
Bullied to Bully
My Self hate coupled with my insecurities hovered over me like a dark cloud and fucked up my confidence…and in this cold world, others would feed on that, take advantage of you to feed their esteem, they will cut you open, fill your mind with poisonous words until you question your own existence. Now let me give you some reasons we get picked on; “maybe I am not your regular size 10, maybe I am not your complexion, or is it because I was born with a disability? I may not dress chic or trendy... oh, you call me weirdo cause I am not self aware and poised as you are, you think I am poor and not able to conform with your ‘cool’ standards, you bully me cause I am individualistic, an independent thinker, a loner and not in a clique… you call me dumb because you consider yourself more intelligent..My religion allows me to dress a certain way, so you call me names.” I remember when no one wanted to take a picture with me on school picture day... and I asked why I had to conform to their superficial standards? Who are you to think you are better than I am? You bully me for being different and that makes me hate myself for being born different. So now I ask why was I born this way… why am I not perfect? Everything infuriates me; I go as far as punching the mirror because I hate my reflection. I feel really weird and dead inside... how about I cut my wrist to feel alive? That will make you happy right, you bullied me to make sure I knew I was worthless, and that worked… so as I grow up, the memories haunt me and I become my own worst enemy... You… A bully.
Kindness, compassion, respect… I never got that… so why should I show it. I was reduced to nothing, laughed and mocked at for being me… so I flip the card now to bully…“bullied to bully”..I was a much bigger girl so I despised slimmer girls… even though I was pretty, I was snobbish and not really outspoken...I self-loathed myself for being this way, and at an age where I wanted attention from boys, but other girls, who I considered less pretty got all the interest. How about I make them feel like crap… For once let someone else be in my shoe. So I dress more provocatively, I do makeup, I size up other girls… and I got the attention I so much wanted…I became popular and I took that as power to hurt others, tease, destroy their esteem as mine was destroyed..I pour all my bottled frustration, anger and aggression on others... I remember going as far as to ridicule this girl with a hand disability in public… Felt good at that moment being the ‘IT’ girl, that ‘cool’ girl who could bully anyone and get away with it. Now make no mistake even being ‘cool’ I still hated myself… maybe even more... I was trying to be someone I am not; to get validation, to fit in. my self- hate grew more with time…Everything looked cool but I could just feel this emptiness eating me up. So since being a bully still does not make any much difference... I resorted to self-revenge.
Pay back led to self harm...
Isn’t it bad enough I hate myself, I got bullied, and I had a chance to be a bully. Why do I still feel empty, why this sudden urge to get back... all I can now think of is revenge… the more I felt hurt, the more I wanted revenge. I spent a lot of time imagining ways to pay back for all the pain I have been caused. I know we have all had the craziest revenge thoughts… From beating, taking something valuable from them or even hurting ourselves to make them feel guilty etc. I wanted to make them look like the biggest fools in history… thinking it will make me feel better…revenge is like the ultimate way of saying “look what you made me do… You are to blame for what I do to myself or what I do to you”. This is to fuck with that person and make them regret what they did to you. Let me break it down further; I chose to revenge because I felt defeated in all ways… playing the ‘victim’ card were I sabotage myself to get attention. If I starve myself at least I’ll be beautiful, forget my health… I just want to be thin… so I starved myself and it worked... I did lose weight, the wrong way for the wrong reasons… so let’s just say my self hate and need to pay back led to self harm. Let me use another story of this guy who hated his existence…he felt defeated in everything, he believed he had no purpose… All these, sucked the life out of him and for him to feel alive was to result in self harm; he usually cut his wrist at night with a blade… he blamed his parents for his misery, loneliness and later on resulted to suicide as revenge. This is all about aversion… Making us look innocent and the other party a monster. But truth is, the real monster is in us and the only true way to get rid of it is through self love.
Transitioning...
The transition to self love has to deal with understanding self hate. I hated myself for my lack of confidence, for being me… that got me bullied which got to me emotionally. “I thought about my life and how I got to this place. I thought about the ruin, devastation I have caused myself and others. Why did I hate myself so much? The thoughts came easily but never the answers” I became my own monster by doing and causing harm to myself and others. And I hated myself more for that. Realizing this put me on another path… to search for personal happiness or as I like to call it Self love.
Self love is a term that has been tossed around in day to day conversations…you have to love yourself… I can’t love you until you love yourself… the list goes on... But what is this self love we randomly talk about? It is definitely not wearing a waist trainer, putting on heavy makeup and staring at the mirror thinking you are the bomb.
Now when I talk about self love, I don’t mean narcissistic feelings…self love runs deeper than that… it is a journey that is not hurried, but each step is taken one at a time to fully embrace it. I had to start with self-forgiveness; I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am not good enough. I forgive myself for letting society define me. I forgive myself for giving up on me and letting my self esteem to be destroyed. I forgive myself for using emotional tactics to get other people down to feel powerful. I forgive myself for using self revenge to make myself look pitiful and my opponent guilty because this only sabotaged my life. Lastly I forgive myself for not embracing my God given features, my imperfections and for being my own monster.
Protect yourself… I had to set some boundaries to protect myself…any activity that made me feel like shit, I stopped... I got rid of negative friends who took pleasure in seeing me in pain. I broke up with my boyfriend who always made fun of my weight. I am curvy and I love it so you can accept that or get the fuck out of my life…Don’t let the door hit you… ok I digress…So basically any negative person or activity that harmed me emotionally, spiritually, I got rid of… bye felisha!
I moved to self care where I had to prioritize myself and take better care of my basic needs by engulfing myself in healthy activities like healthy diets, exercise, positive social gatherings. I acted on needs than wants… instead of going for the thrill, the exciting stuff in life; I made a decision to go for what could build me up positively.
Drop the ‘victim’ card… I had to drop my victim card… “Oh is it because I am fat? Is it because I am not as rich as you are?” etc I mean enough already… I had to be self responsible for my actions and show myself in a better light. We play the victim card because we refuse to take responsibility for our actions. It’s all about learning and not running from them.
Call me selfish but I put my feelings first, my thoughts, my needs. I knew what I wanted and I went for it rather than doing what others wanted. You can’t give love out if you don’t have it within cause that would only drain and leave you empty. I had to put me first to be there for you.
I know we all want to be happy; so we engaged in all sorts of relationships and activities hoping for that feeling of fulfillment and when those don’t work we tend to crash. Back to back I was in relationships… like I was pushing myself so hard. I realized that seeking happiness outside was not going to work. Maybe I had temporary moments, but never fulfilling or long lasting ones. When I learned to love myself; when I focused on me, found what put me in a good mood, wrote down my dreams and went after them, found my groove … I realized I had found my own personal happiness. And I am self committed to preserving this happiness.
Loving me was a journey, magical if I must say, one that unfolded step by step and made me embrace my good and bad. It is like a bright light that shines on every little crack of your existence. So go ahead and embrace your own journey in finding and loving YOU.
“Now she flies as she smiles with empowerment. She found out precious freedom means being herself without anyone’s permission”
My truth
A Self Love Journey
‘The lesson that must be experienced to be learned’
I wouldn’t be who I am today without it…all of it…the horrific and the beautiful. I am ME, the sum of all I have experienced… this is not a pity party so don’t get it twisted
I hated myself
We are all born different… I know I was...your ordinary girl? No I was not; I was a little chubby (who am I kidding, I was called fat), I had an ‘okay’ body, not your usual cheerful kid; I loved to be alone, snobbish, hated bright colors…let’s just say I was weird and not what society considered as ‘normal’. Though you can say I was beautiful… but what is beauty if you feel insecure inside? My peers were all cheerful; they could socialize with people, always bright and at the fore front of everything… But I always hid at the back of class, at the back of the line, locked up in a room; I never wanted to be seen, or talk to others…Some said ‘she is an introvert’ but it ran deeper than that.., I hated myself. However I was not born like this; as I grew up, my self-loathing thoughts grew with me...my hopes were always low, I apologized for every little thing; even things that were outside my control, I used tough love on myself to get me going.. I mean I never saw myself as deserving and my final straw of self hate was when I became envious of others; trying to measure up to others who I believed were better than me in all ways; more intelligent, prettier, outspoken, more feminine, approachable.. That list is so long but I know you catch my drift… jealousy ate at me; a dark feeling that consumed my insides with spite, longing... Poison that crept though my veins filling me with a dark hunger that made me question, “am I good enough” ... this made me hate myself more, and the desire to want what others had made me despise people more.
Bullied to Bully
My Self hate coupled with my insecurities hovered over me like a dark cloud and fucked up my confidence…and in this cold world, others would feed on that, take advantage of you to feed their esteem, they will cut you open, fill your mind with poisonous words until you question your own existence. Now let me give you some reasons we get picked on; “maybe I am not your regular size 10, maybe I am not your complexion, or is it because I was born with a disability? I may not dress chic or trendy... oh, you call me weirdo cause I am not self aware and poised as you are, you think I am poor and not able to conform with your ‘cool’ standards, you bully me cause I am individualistic, an independent thinker, a loner and not in a clique… you call me dumb because you consider yourself more intelligent..My religion allows me to dress a certain way, so you call me names.” I remember when no one wanted to take a picture with me on school picture day... and I asked why I had to conform to their superficial standards? Who are you to think you are better than I am? You bully me for being different and that makes me hate myself for being born different. So now I ask why was I born this way… why am I not perfect? Everything infuriates me; I go as far as punching the mirror because I hate my reflection. I feel really weird and dead inside... how about I cut my wrist to feel alive? That will make you happy right, you bullied me to make sure I knew I was worthless, and that worked… so as I grow up, the memories haunt me and I become my own worst enemy... You… A bully.
Kindness, compassion, respect… I never got that… so why should I show it. I was reduced to nothing, laughed and mocked at for being me… so I flip the card now to bully…“bullied to bully”..I was a much bigger girl so I despised slimmer girls… even though I was pretty, I was snobbish and not really outspoken...I self-loathed myself for being this way, and at an age where I wanted attention from boys, but other girls, who I considered less pretty got all the interest. How about I make them feel like crap… For once let someone else be in my shoe. So I dress more provocatively, I do makeup, I size up other girls… and I got the attention I so much wanted…I became popular and I took that as power to hurt others, tease, destroy their esteem as mine was destroyed..I pour all my bottled frustration, anger and aggression on others... I remember going as far as to ridicule this girl with a hand disability in public… Felt good at that moment being the ‘IT’ girl, that ‘cool’ girl who could bully anyone and get away with it. Now make no mistake even being ‘cool’ I still hated myself… maybe even more... I was trying to be someone I am not; to get validation, to fit in. my self- hate grew more with time…Everything looked cool but I could just feel this emptiness eating me up. So since being a bully still does not make any much difference... I resorted to self-revenge.
Pay back led to self harm...
Isn’t it bad enough I hate myself, I got bullied, and I had a chance to be a bully. Why do I still feel empty, why this sudden urge to get back... all I can now think of is revenge… the more I felt hurt, the more I wanted revenge. I spent a lot of time imagining ways to pay back for all the pain I have been caused. I know we have all had the craziest revenge thoughts… From beating, taking something valuable from them or even hurting ourselves to make them feel guilty etc. I wanted to make them look like the biggest fools in history… thinking it will make me feel better…revenge is like the ultimate way of saying “look what you made me do… You are to blame for what I do to myself or what I do to you”. This is to fuck with that person and make them regret what they did to you. Let me break it down further; I chose to revenge because I felt defeated in all ways… playing the ‘victim’ card were I sabotage myself to get attention. If I starve myself at least I’ll be beautiful, forget my health… I just want to be thin… so I starved myself and it worked... I did lose weight, the wrong way for the wrong reasons… so let’s just say my self hate and need to pay back led to self harm. Let me use another story of this guy who hated his existence…he felt defeated in everything, he believed he had no purpose… All these, sucked the life out of him and for him to feel alive was to result in self harm; he usually cut his wrist at night with a blade… he blamed his parents for his misery, loneliness and later on resulted to suicide as revenge. This is all about aversion… Making us look innocent and the other party a monster. But truth is, the real monster is in us and the only true way to get rid of it is through self love.
Transitioning...
The transition to self love has to deal with understanding self hate. I hated myself for my lack of confidence, for being me… that got me bullied which got to me emotionally. “I thought about my life and how I got to this place. I thought about the ruin, devastation I have caused myself and others. Why did I hate myself so much? The thoughts came easily but never the answers” I became my own monster by doing and causing harm to myself and others. And I hated myself more for that. Realizing this put me on another path… to search for personal happiness or as I like to call it Self love.
Self love is a term that has been tossed around in day to day conversations…you have to love yourself… I can’t love you until you love yourself… the list goes on... But what is this self love we randomly talk about? It is definitely not wearing a waist trainer, putting on heavy makeup and staring at the mirror thinking you are the bomb.
Now when I talk about self love, I don’t mean narcissistic feelings…self love runs deeper than that… it is a journey that is not hurried, but each step is taken one at a time to fully embrace it. I had to start with self-forgiveness; I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am not good enough. I forgive myself for letting society define me. I forgive myself for giving up on me and letting my self esteem to be destroyed. I forgive myself for using emotional tactics to get other people down to feel powerful. I forgive myself for using self revenge to make myself look pitiful and my opponent guilty because this only sabotaged my life. Lastly I forgive myself for not embracing my God given features, my imperfections and for being my own monster.
Protect yourself… I had to set some boundaries to protect myself…any activity that made me feel like shit, I stopped... I got rid of negative friends who took pleasure in seeing me in pain. I broke up with my boyfriend who always made fun of my weight. I am curvy and I love it so you can accept that or get the fuck out of my life…Don’t let the door hit you… ok I digress…So basically any negative person or activity that harmed me emotionally, spiritually, I got rid of… bye felisha!
I moved to self care where I had to prioritize myself and take better care of my basic needs by engulfing myself in healthy activities like healthy diets, exercise, positive social gatherings. I acted on needs than wants… instead of going for the thrill, the exciting stuff in life; I made a decision to go for what could build me up positively.
Drop the ‘victim’ card… I had to drop my victim card… “Oh is it because I am fat? Is it because I am not as rich as you are?” etc I mean enough already… I had to be self responsible for my actions and show myself in a better light. We play the victim card because we refuse to take responsibility for our actions. It’s all about learning and not running from them.
Call me selfish but I put my feelings first, my thoughts, my needs. I knew what I wanted and I went for it rather than doing what others wanted. You can’t give love out if you don’t have it within cause that would only drain and leave you empty. I had to put me first to be there for you.
I know we all want to be happy; so we engaged in all sorts of relationships and activities hoping for that feeling of fulfillment and when those don’t work we tend to crash. Back to back I was in relationships… like I was pushing myself so hard. I realized that seeking happiness outside was not going to work. Maybe I had temporary moments, but never fulfilling or long lasting ones. When I learned to love myself; when I focused on me, found what put me in a good mood, wrote down my dreams and went after them, found my groove … I realized I had found my own personal happiness. And I am self committed to preserving this happiness.
Loving me was a journey, magical if I must say, one that unfolded step by step and made me embrace my good and bad. It is like a bright light that shines on every little crack of your existence. So go ahead and embrace your own journey in finding and loving YOU.
“Now she flies as she smiles with empowerment. She found out precious freedom means being herself without anyone’s permission”
My truth
I feel the passion, beautiful piece Nita🙌🙌🙌😊
ReplyDelete👏👏👏 I literally had to wipe a tear running down my face because of how much I could relate!!! ♡♡♡💙♡♡♡
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this solo badly.I feel like almost every girl went through this fights at least earlier in thier life.This is awesome.thank you for reality checks like this.
ReplyDeleteTo Piggy back on boss; I think everyone on some level struggles with this. Buckle up guys, this is going to be a long one. Lol Muno, this is so honest and also a good lesson. Not only telling us what was wrong but how it could be fixed.
ReplyDeleteI am going through a season where God is teaching me how much I am worth and just who I really am. I realized that most of who I was was wrapped up in other people. And it is so difficult to be happy with/for someone when you envy them. When I took them out, I was nothing - or so I thought. And just like you so beautifully put it, what we focus on as the solution is usually what takes us to rock bottom even quicker. But when I gave up on me, and started to pursue Christ (we usually end up seeking spirituality because ALL else WILL fail) passionately, the more I wanted(still want to) to become like Him, the more I became like my true self. My emotions,my self esteem are getting so wrapped up in Christ that what people think of me doesn't matter. And suddenly, I can be a better friend/sister/colleague. Then we realize that expectations, especially that of others, are the source of esteem trouble. We are all princes and princesses. Uniquely designed and SHAPED by a perfect God. Our idea of beauty or wealth or greatness doesn't matter. His does. That realization has done me a world of good.
Lol preaching over. Really really good post